As managers and leaders, we all have had to deal with employees and colleagues who become emotionally involved in business conversations with co-workers. Sometimes, the emotion comes from a context of economic downturn and job uncertainty. Other times, it comes from the stress of having to support ambiguous mandates. Most of the time, it's got to do with not cluing in to a co-worker's favoured communication style, leading to misunderstandings and unclear business relationships. These situations and many more like them diminish the ability to focus on identifying the issues and interests at hand. We get caught in the merry-go-round of defending ourselves.
I read an interesting blog submitted by Dr. Ada recently suggesting that part of our toolkit to improve resiliency in the face of various pressures and frustrations in the workplace is to grow a skin like a rhino. She reminded us to "Take a clue from Eleanor Roosevelt, the “thick skin” lady. Don’t take things personally. She said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." What others think, feel, say, and do is rarely about you. It is more about them. If you take things too personally, you will suffer needlessly at the hands of those who believe they can feel good only when they make someone else feel bad."
So what can you do when you have to have business conversations with these people and find yourself being defensive? When someone criticizes me or my work, and when I remember to put my rhino skin on, I use this script: "You think I am being (insert the hurtful comment)? That's interesting. Can you tell me what you mean?" I listen carefully to the response. This invariably leads to an improved understanding of how I or others are perceived, leading to more fruitful communication.
An adaptation of this script also works in meetings when someone else or their work is being criticized: "You think this project is (insert comment here)? Can you tell me what you mean?" The question re-focuses us all on the issues and interests at hand by tabling potentially valid objections, and eliminates the need for anyone to be defensive.
If this openness doesn't show immediate results, that's OK. Not everyone catches on right away. Be persistent. You may not be able to change someone who can only feel good when they make someone else feel bad; you can only work at consistently changing the focus away from being defensive. Eventually, the focus on exploring all objections, issues and interests will become the norm in your workplace.
I'm curious to hear how you "put your rhino skin on". Share your story below in the comments.
As a creative director, I often smile at the term "thick skinned" because I'm not supposed to have one. I'm supposed to be a sensitive artist type. But I must because after all this time I'm still here. How do I put my rhino skin on? I think it depends on who I'm speaking to. Some I can laugh and nod, and that will break the emotional outburst spell and we both have a good laugh and then chat. If I did that for others though, it wouldn't work. Others I find giving them a chance to think about what they just said is the ticket and still for others directly looking at them in the eye and letting them know I am taking their comments seriously and want to drill down to their cause is called for. Don't you find it's situational, rather than systematic? (signed, not an expert)
ReplyDeleteReaching out with a laugh (how open), by giving the other space (how respectful) or by making eye contact (how sincere). All are paths to asking the question "Can you tell me what you mean?" and uncovering the interests of all parties.
ReplyDeleteYou are right to point out, Rand, that one's approach depends on the other. The systematic part of the equation is nurturing the openness, respect and sincerity required to get to the real, undisguised issues, regardless of the approach.
Putting your rhino skin on doesn't mean shedding your sensitive artist type (we would miss you dearly if you did, and might not even recognize you!); it just means not letting others define who you are and what you stand for.