Micheline and the Boarder

When I was 6 years old, my father left CFB Petawawa to spend a year in Egypt as a Blue Beret.  In those days, men in the armed forces spent a whole year away from their families on their tour of duty overseas.  My mother moved to Montréal to be close to her parents and siblings, and rented a duplex in proximity to an English-language school where I could complete Grade 1.  My mother, the oldest girl in the family, was godmother to her second youngest sister, Micheline, who must have been 20 years old at the time.  We called her Mimi.  She came to live with us. 

It was so exciting to have her with us.  In the eyes of a 6-year-old, she was sophisticated and worldly.  She was gorgeous and vivacious.  She had silky long hair that was curled and teased to the heights of fashion, and she wore black liquid eye-liner in a precise stroke across her eye-lid.  She seemed to never don the same dress twice.  She was so glamorous.

And she had boyfriends.  They took her out to dinner and she went to see movies late at night.  I loved getting up in the morning to hear all about them.  She had gone on a movie date with my father’s younger brother and I distinctly remember listening to her tell my mother all about Julie Andrews in The Sound of Music, the story of an aspiring nun who ended up happily married to a man with many children.  How risqué was that!

In addition to having Mimi with her, my mother kept a boarder.  I don’t remember very much about him.  He had a room in the basement, never shared our meals, and kept largely to himself. 

One evening, he came up to the kitchen where my mother and Mimi were chatting together after my sister and I had been put to bed.  Slurring and weaving a little, he demanded my mother’s car.  Surprised and afraid, she could only tell him the truth: it was out for maintenance.  The boarder became frantic and brandished a gun, raising his voice, insisting that my mother hand over the keys to her car.  My mother, normally a woman of action, was paralyzed with fear for her daughters tucked in bed. 

Mimi told the boarder he could have her car keys instead if he let her get them from her purse in her room.  My mother pleaded with Mimi not to, but Mimi insisted, telling my mother everything would be okay, that it was only a car.  The boarder squared off, the gun still in hand.  Once he had the keys, off he went through the door leading from the kitchen to the garage.  Mimi pounced on the door to lock it and dialed 0 to get the operator who would transfer her to the police. 

I remember this because the car alarm went off and made such a racket, it woke me up.  The boarder was stuck between a locked garage door and a locked kitchen door with nowhere to go.  My mother and Mimi crouched together with me and my sister in the room furthest from the kitchen until the police arrived.

As it turned out, the boarder had no priors.  His gun wasn’t even loaded.  He was just upset and confused, on drugs, and wanted to escape.

That night, my aunt Mimi became a heroine – a glamorous, sexy, brave, action heroine who bested the boarder – and the story has gone down into the family annals. 

Shortly thereafter, we gave up that duplex apartment and my mother moved us in with her sister Pierrette and her husband with their young baby, reassuringly across the street from Grand-maman Rose’s apartment.  She felt more secure there.  As a typical 7-year-old, I had forgotten all about the boarder - I was just happy to be closer to my cousins and my fun-loving grandmother.

Post-Interview Thank You Notes

Someone asked me a question about thank you notes, and I got carried away with my response.  However, despite the wordiness, I thought it would be worthwhile to share it here.

First of all, I hope you are all asking for the job while you are still in the interview. I do that towards the end of each interview (if I want the job, of course).

Now, about the content of the thank you note.  I bring something up that impressed me from our discussion: a particularly good question on which we had some thoughtful exchanges, attention to a particular function in my field and an approach that I might value, a juicy challenge that I think I can help with.  Keep it very business focused.  Avoid saying something like 'I felt we had an interesting exchange.'  Feelings are subjective.  It is more appropriate to say, 'Our exchange about (problem) has captured my attention, and I find myself generating a series of ideas to tackle it productively.'  Identifying a problem and your interest in finding a workable solution is business oriented.  Letting them know you are ready to contribute is a wonderful way of reiterating your interest - and a great way to ask for the job.

If you are engaged in an interview process where appointments follow each other very closely, sending a Send Out Card will not work because the card will arrive days after your third or fourth interview.  Keeping cards to deliver immediately doesn't always work for me; I need to think quietly about what happened in the interview before I say anything, and to pare down my wordiness (witness the length of this blog!).

In an email, I can write three paragraphs about something meaningful, and it will get timely attention, even if it's zapped out of the recipient's mail box sooner rather than later.  Three paragraphs won't fit in a card.

But the usefulness of a card or note goes beyond the card itself. 

First, it is a very personal and classy touch.  No matter if you remain in the running for the job or not, it will distinguish you as an interested, thoughtful candidate, and that's the kind of reputation you want to build for yourself.  It's a small world out there and you're always on display.  Thank you cards and notes show you in a very positive light.

Second, writing your "thank-yous" allows you to articulate positive things about yourself, the opportunity and the people who interviewed you.  When job seeking, staying positive can be difficult, and it's key. As an HR professional interviewing at all levels, I have met candidates with all kinds of attitudes.  It shows when you aren't positive, so cultivate it whenever you can.

Third, it makes you articulate whether you want the opportunity or not.  Is it too hard to find something positive to say about the interview, the process, the approach, the job, the people, the challenges?  If so, you have some private thinking to do.  Be gracious; send the card or note anyway.

And don't spend too much time feeling guilty if you didn't write a card or a note.  Sometimes, it just isn't going to happen and obsessing about 'doing it wrong' won't get you anywhere.  Sometimes, you just have to move on.

I hope some of these thoughts resonate with you.

Memories of a Great-Grandmother

My daughter prepared a short speech for a school competition and chose for her subject her great-grandmother, my Grand-maman Rose.  She features a couple of stories that I fondly remember being told when I was a very young girl.  I’m not surprised my daughter heard them too.  Here is her re-telling, translated by her from the original French.

* * * * *

I come from a big French Canadian family. I love my family… Er, well most of the time when they’re not nagging me…

But the most precious moments I spend with my family happen during our vacations when all my family (the French side because my father’s side does not speak French) reassembles around the big table well decorated by my grandmother Gisèle. During this time (rather brief if you ask me), we're at our loudest. We tell stories one after the other and we often cut each other off and everyone bursts out laughing! My God, I never laugh as hard as when I’m with them.

Grand-maman Rose at 85, always smiling

However, my favourite stories are those of my great grandmother Rose. Only measuring four feet ten inches, she had and raised fifteen children! At the time my family wasn’t very rich eh? Fifteen children? Ouf. No problem though! Grandma Rose has everything under control and she had fun doing it.

While she wasn’t taller than an average tween, if she had to take the train she never had to pay. Why?  Well, when she got onto the train and the ticket master came over to take her ticket, she told him her father had it and that he was in the smoker section, at the compleeeete end of the train. So, the ticket master went all the way to the back of the train and by the time he got back to tell her he couldn’t find her father, she was already gone, having had all the necessary time to get to her stop.

Here’s another example. To have fun she would enter really fancy and chic stores with her young girls and try on all kinds of different clothes, creating a little “fashion show”. When she was finished, she thanked the employees for their help, and clack, she left, without buying anything. She only wanted to have fun with her family. My great grandmother Rose was an ingenious person.

She loved to have fun with her family, just like me. So, even if she is not with us anymore, she will always be in my heart.

Developing a Thick Skin

As managers and leaders, we all have had to deal with employees and colleagues who become emotionally involved in business conversations with co-workers.  Sometimes, the emotion comes from a context of economic downturn and job uncertainty.  Other times, it comes from the stress of having to support ambiguous mandates.  Most of the time, it's got to do with not cluing in to a co-worker's favoured communication style, leading to misunderstandings and unclear business relationships.  These situations and many more like them diminish the ability to focus on identifying the issues and interests at hand.  We get caught in the merry-go-round of defending ourselves.

I read an interesting blog submitted by Dr. Ada recently suggesting that part of our toolkit to improve resiliency in the face of various pressures and frustrations in the workplace is to grow a skin like a rhino. She reminded us to  "Take a clue from Eleanor Roosevelt, the “thick skin” lady. Don’t take things personally. She said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." What others think, feel, say, and do is rarely about you. It is more about them. If you take things too personally, you will suffer needlessly at the hands of those who believe they can feel good only when they make someone else feel bad."

So what can you do when you have to have business conversations with these people and find yourself being defensive?  When someone criticizes me or my work, and when I remember to put my rhino skin on, I use this script: "You think I am being (insert the hurtful comment)?  That's interesting.  Can you tell me what you mean?"  I listen carefully to the response. This invariably leads to an improved understanding of how I or others are perceived, leading to more fruitful communication.

An adaptation of this script also works in meetings when someone else or their work is being criticized: "You think this project is (insert comment here)? Can you tell me what you mean?"  The question re-focuses us all on the issues and interests at hand by tabling potentially valid objections, and eliminates the need for anyone to be defensive.

If this openness doesn't show immediate results, that's OK.  Not everyone catches on right away. Be persistent.  You may not be able to change someone who can only feel good when they make someone else feel bad; you can only work at consistently changing the focus away from being defensive. Eventually, the focus on exploring all objections, issues and interests will become the norm in your workplace. 

I'm curious to hear how you "put your rhino skin on".  Share your story below in the comments.